Aging and the Art of Weeding

The weather has been absolutely beautiful in Chicago this past week, so the dandelions are out in force this weekend! Our front yard was a sea of yellow, so some serious weeding was on the "to do" list for today. Mom enjoys getting out in the front yard to get some sun and enjoy the outdoors, so she was ready to get outside and weed with me. I knew that I'd be doing the majority of the work, but I wasn't ready for what actually happened.

I went out to the garage and got a couple of weeding tools for us as well as 2 pairs of gardening gloves. We had some trash bags for the weeds, so we were ready. Mom started on the lawn closest to the house. If you have not seen front lawns in the city of Chicago recently, they are small. Each of the front sections takes about 5 passes with the lawn mower to complete the area. Mom's section has just a few dandelions. She handles that pretty well. She just bends over from the waist and does her weeding. She works slowly, but steadily, and got the job done. She then came over to stand near me and takes a break. She says that she has heartburn. The bending over has caused her to have heartburn. She tries to do a bit more, but I can tell that she is hurting. I tell her to take the first filled bag and put it in the garbage can in the alley. She does that and then sits down on the front stairs to "supervise". The other section of the lawn took quite a while. I was on my hands and knees weeding. I had to take a couple of breaks to stand up and stretch. Mom was really stiff and hurting. She didn't get up to help me again. She just sat there and enjoyed the breeze. And at age 83, she certainly deserves to supervise our yard projects!

The thing about this that makes me pause is that just last year, she'd been right out there with me weeding away. She had to take a break or two, but she'd do it and really enjoy it. This year, her bones, muscles and joints are protesting! She just can't bend down to do the weeding anymore. She is not able to get on her hands and knees... she'd never get back up! ;-) It's certainly amazing what can happen to one's body in a year. Now, Mom's weeding days are over and her supervisory role has begun!

Why Does Mom Sleep So Long?

There is a prominent stereotype that Seniors are early risers. They go to bed early in the evening and they rise with the sun. I know several Seniors that fuel this stereotype. My Mom is NOT one of them! My Mom is more like a teenager when it comes to getting up in the morning... she rises closer to noon than to sunrise.

When I first arrived back in Chicago, I found it astonishing that Mom would sleep the morning away. Getting up at 10:30am... really? I just couldn't believe that this was my Mom. She has NEVER had a sleeping pattern like this. Was there something wrong? Why does my Mom sleep for 12 hours?

The answer is not as simple as one might think. In my linear thinking, I saw Mom go to bed at 10:30pm and saw her get out of bed at 10:30am thus equating 12 hours of sleep. In actuality, there is so much more that goes on during those 12 hours. Let's explore:

10:30pm - Mom goes to bed

10:30pm - 12:30am - Mom tosses and turns and tries to get in a comfortable position. If she lays in one position too long, she gets sore. Additionally, her arm really hurts if she lays on it.

12:30am - 3:30am - Mom gets some sleep.

3:30am - Mom gets up to use the bathroom.

3:45am - 5:45am - Mom gets some sleep.

5:45am - Mom gets up to use the bathroom.

6:00am - 7:30am - Mom gets some sleep.

7:30am Mom gets up to use the bathroom and takes her pill.

7:45am - 9:45am - Mom gets the best and deepest sleep of the night.

9:45am - 10:30am - Mom slowly wakes up and decides it's time to get out of bed.

As you can see, in this scenario, Mom gets about 8 hours of sleep, but wakes up several times during the night to use the bathroom and/or take her pill. She always says that she gets the best sleep after she takes her pill in the morning. Since there is not a great reason for Mom to get up early in the morning, I don't intervene in her current sleep schedule. However, I often wonder how much quality sleep she really gets. Maybe we should have a discussion with her doctor to ask why Mom sleeps so long!

When Do You Cross The Line?

My Mom is very stubborn. She knows what she wants to do. One way or another, she will usually get her way. She has taken stubbornness to a new level. She has mastered the art of "guilting". However it is described, my Mom is the Master at achieving her goals! Often, it is much easier on all of us if we just give in to her. Over the years, my sister and I have learned to pick our battles. There are some things Mom wants that are relatively harmless. We give in on those. However, now that I have returned to Chicago, my sister and I are working together to steer Mom in the right direction. There is a fine line that we don't want to cross yet. When should Mom remain in control and when should we intervene?

Mom's primary strategy for getting her way is divide and conquer. She'll tell me one thing and tell Adrienne another. Or she won't say anything to me, but will mention something to A. Or vice versa. However, since I see her all the time, she is not really able to hide too much from me. I can observe her and what's happening to her. Over the course of the past year, I have been able to watch my Mother's strategy at work and have been able to look for ways to get past it. The best way to refute the divide and conquer strategy is to communicate. A and I talk a lot. I give her the missing pieces to the puzzle. This way, we can put together a win-win strategy for Mom's health.

This is a typical situation: Mom's arm has been bothering her every day for a week. She has a touch of arthritis. She will mention that her arm hurts. She will NOT do anything about it. She will not take a Tylenol. She will not use a heating pad. She will not ask for help. When she speaks with my sister on the phone, she won't mention anything about her arm. If my sister asks specifically, she might say something like "Oh, it's been bothering me a little. But it gets better when I keep it warm." So, when I see Adrienne, I have to tell her everything. I tell her that Mom has complained every day for a week. I tell her that she wakes up in the morning and is very, very stiff. I tell her that she goes to bed and has pain if she lays a certain way on her arm. This leads to insomnia and not getting the regenerative sleep that she needs. I tell her that Mom won't take a Tylenol before she goes to bed because she is afraid that it will interact with her medicine. This way, Adrienne has all the information and can guide us towards the best solution.

The best solution to this situation is that Adrienne gave me a cream for Mom to rub into her arm (Ortho-Nesic). Since A is a nurse, Mom took the advice and used the cream. She was amazed at how good her arm felt within moments of using the cream. This was an easy "win" for us. We were able to steer Mom in the right direction without much angst. However, the road ahead may be full of bumps as we confront the issues of declining eyesight, declining hearing, memory lapses, and forgetfulness. We will have to figure out when it's time to cross the line. Luckily, there is not any "line crossing" today.

Why Do Senior Citizens Wear Too Much Cologne?

Did you ever experience being near a Senior Citizen when they are all dressed up to attend some function? It could be going to Church on Sunday, attending a banquet, heading to a visitation/wake or a funeral. Any of those functions might be cause for a Senior to wear some cologne/perfume. But Seniors don't just wear SOME cologne/perfume, do they? They wear A TON!!! I often wondered why. Now, I know the answer. Want me to share?

Let me first tell you a story that will illustrate how my learning was facilitated. As I mentioned previously, my cousin Dennis came to visit us over the weekend. In preparation for the visit, I wanted to do a bit of cleaning. Our house is always presentable, but I wanted to make sure that the home would be welcoming to an overnight visitor. I thought I'd wash the bed linens, comforter and blankets used by guests. I wanted to wash the furniture covers and quilts in the living room. Of course, I'd vacuum and dust and scrub the floors and fixtures in the kitchen and bathroom. I proposed this to Mom, who looked around and said "You don't need to do all that. Things look fine." After a bit of discussion on this, I gave in to Mom and told her that I'd just "straighten up".

Thank goodness for Fridays! Mom went off to the beauty salon and I got to work! I put batch after batch of laundry in the washing machine and dryer. I pulled out the vacuum (my beloved DYSON, one of the few possessions I would not sell!) and went to work in the living room, hallway and dining room. Got out the cleaning supplies and dusted all the furniture and knick knacks in the living room. Waited until Mom went to Bingo, then got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the kitchen, hallway and bathroom floors. Scrubbed the tub and fixtures in the bathroom. You know... a good cleaning. We do "weekly cleaning", but the deep cleaning you do for visitors or in the Spring is different. This was the DIFFERENT cleaning.

As I was doing this cleaning, I had an epiphany. I realized that Mom didn't SEE the dust. She didn't SMELL the dusty smell. I realized that as she aged, her senses were diminishing.

• Sign 1 - She wasn't seeing as well as she used to. She was wearing her magnification eyeglasses and was ALSO using a magnifying glass when she read the death notices in the newspaper. (Her preoccupation with death will be a future blog post!).
• Sign 2 - She wasn't hearing as well as she used to. She was turning the volume on the TV up to ridiculous levels. I could be in another room in the house and still hear the program she was watching perfectly. If I'd come into the house from the outside, I'd think the TV was blasting.
• Sign 3 - She wasn't tasting as well as she used to. She was using LOTS of pepper in her food lately. She was adding more salt than usual. She was buying MEDIUM salsa and thought it wasn't spicy when previously she thought MILD was the right salsa for her.

The light bulb finally went off. Senior Citizens couldn't smell how much perfume they were really wearing! Since their senses were diminishing, they thought they had on just enough when they were in reality wearing perfume/cologne to excess. I got it now! I finally found the answer to the burning question: Why Do Senior Citizens Wear Too Much Cologne?

Is It Memory Loss or Is It Just a Momentary Lapse?

If you know my Mother, you know that she has a mind like a steel trap. She knows your business! She can easily recite names (yours, your kids, your grandkids, your siblings, etc.), birthdays, the city you live in, the place your work, what you do for a living, and probably what you ate for dinner last night (if you told her those details). Seriously, she is amazing. If the data is stored in her brain, she can usually quickly access it.

So, when Mom came home from Bingo last night and started telling me the stories, it was a bit disconcerting to hear her say things like "I was telling them that Denny was coming to visit us tomorrow and when they asked me where he lived... I couldn't remember." My gosh... she knows where Denny lives... she can probably tell you the last few addresses that Denny had... but when under pressure to give an answer, she couldn't remember.

If this was a single incident, I'd say it was a momentary lapse. But we had this same conversation 3 times yesterday! She was talking about relatives we had in California. She couldn't remember what city Denny lived in, what city Jeanette lived in, and what city Larry & Sharon lived in. She couldn't even put it in the ballpark, such as Denny lives near SF. This, for me, is frightening. My Mom... the keeper of the family's information... can't remember. Wow.

The good news is that when Mom actually thought about the answers to those questions, she did remember. We haven't lost that data. Looks like we still have time to put together that family tree with names, birthdates, and all that good stuff.

Prior to this incident, I really didn't understand Mom's "obsession" with collecting information about the family. I now realize that when her generation passes on, that it'll be up to me (and all the other FIRST COUSINS), to be the "keepers of family information". Our family history depends on this. Who we are depends on this. Who we will be depends on this. Another life lesson learned: Exploring the past shows you just how far you've progressed and shows you what strengths you possess. Talk about an "aha" moment!

Thank goodness it's just a momentary lapse... at least for now... and not permanent memory loss!

Let's play bingo, bingo, bingo!

Mom's favorite day of the week is Friday. Not like it's everyone's favorite day because it's the end of the work week. Mom loves Fridays because it's BINGO night. This is a big event! ;-) It's the apex of her social calendar. It's where all her pals get together for the 3 G's - gambling, gossip, and giggling.

Mom's Friday starts out with a trip to the hairdresser. Her hair is freshly washed, set, combed out and "shellacked" into place. It's got to stay nice for the entire week! Once she has finished, she'll walk the 2 blocks to GILMART... a local Polish store and deli. She might pick up some groceries, but she mainly goes there to play her IL lottery numbers and scratch tickets. My Mother is one of the luckiest people alive. She wins all the time! No wonder she keeps playing. ;-) However, this is just her warm-up routine.

Once she's home, she'll change into a nice outfit for bingo. She volunteers at our church bingo by selling pull tabs before bingo starts. If you have never attended a church bingo, please go and see for yourself. Bingo is BIG BUSINESS. There are 5 or 6 different kinds of pull tabs for sale before and during the bingo games. Then there is the actual bingo. There are side pots like "quarters" and other games the ladies (mostly ladies, but there are some men) play with each other. These senior citizens spend big money gambling - anywhere from $50 to $500 per Friday night. Many regularly spend $100-$200 per week. However, they can win $50, $100, $250, $500 at the drop of a hat... and if they win the big weekly pots they can win thousands. The big weekly pot was won last night (it usually takes several months for someone to win it) and that lucky winner got almost $7k. Yes, that's right... 7 thousand dollars. Last year, one of the pots grew and grew. Bingo attendance skyrocketed. When the jackpot was finally won, the lucky winner got $21,000. Amazing, isn't it? My lucky Mother came home with about $200.

I've let you in on the gambling; next on the list is GOSSIP. If you want to know what's going on in the community, ask an old lady. They know everything and everyone! I think they don't talk to each other all week just so they can save up the gossip for Friday night. The topics can range from health (such as illnesses, falls, broken bones, paramedic visits, and death) to church business (how the new pastor is doing, which groups he pays the most attention to, etc.) or family stuff (how the son who just lost his job is doing, what the grandchildren are up to). And did I mention Boyfriends? Yes, Boyfriends with a capital B. Mom doesn't have a Boyfriend any longer (he died a couple of years ago), but many of her lady friends do and they all talk about where they went to eat during the week. I love this about Mom and her friends. They are so cute!

Finally, there is GIGGLING. It goes hand and hand with the gossip. They laugh about everything. Mom comes home in such a good mood... with tons of stories to relate about what happened during the night and what her friends are doing. It's wonderful to see her laugh, socialize and have fun with her friends.

Mom's love of Fridays has taught me a valuable lesson: we all want to enjoy life and have fun, we all need friends, we all need people who understand us, we all need love. This transcends age, race, time, space, everything. And when my patience wears thin, I try to remember Friday nights.

When do the little things add up to something worrisome?

I'm starting this blog for several reasons:

• to help others with aging parents
• to share what my family is dealing with
• to help my Mom and preserve the wonderful woman she is

I wish I would have gotten started sooner... when there were days or weeks between the "worrying" incidents. Now, they are a daily occurrence. The question is: when do the little things add up to something worrisome?

Here's the scoop on me and Mom:

Mom is an 83 year old female in relatively decent health. She hasn't had a heart attack or stroke. She hasn't broken a hip. Sure, she has issues with her heart (A-fib), takes a half dozen types of pills several times during the day, and is slowing down with age - her eyesight, hearing, sense of smell and mobility are declining quicker than she recognizes. At some point this year, we'll probably talk her into using a walker. She is forgetful; she tells the same stories over and over, and she asks questions about things we've already discussed. But she is still Mom. Just the 83 year old version.

I am her oldest daughter. I left my director-level job in the casino industry in Nevada about 18 months ago and came home to help out. Mom has sacrificed a lot for me... when an opportunity presented itself, the least I could do was come back home to Chicago to be with her, right?

My sister (Adrienne, aka The Nurse) is also here in the Chicagoland area. Thank God! I don't know what I'd do without "A" to talk to. She is 2.5 years younger than me and is a single parent. She and her 4 kids keep me grounded. And busy. It's a good thing.

There are plenty of little things with Mom that happen every day that make me worry. Let me give you an example: Mom has an automatic withdrawal for her supplemental health insurance premium. She wants to change the bank account this withdrawal comes from. She gets a form from the insurance company. She starts to fill it out. She is going slow and being very careful. She does not want to make a mistake. About 10 minutes into this project of hers, she calls to me. "Can you bring me the White Out?" I ask "Why?" She tells me that she made a mistake; she put the City and State on the same line when it should have been on two lines. No big deal, right? When I look at the form to make the correction, I see that she has made many mistakes. The form boxes have the heading for what goes into that box on the TOP of the box. After filling out the first box correctly with her name, she started looking at what was under the line (the top of the NEXT box) as her guide to filling out that box. Now, I can understand that she made a mistake. We all do. But she was being careful. She got the first one right. What happened between box #1 and box #2 to steer her in the wrong direction?

These are the little things that are worrisome. Especially when they pile up... hour after hour... day after day...

When do the little things add up to something worrisome?