When Do You Cross The Line?

My Mom is very stubborn. She knows what she wants to do. One way or another, she will usually get her way. She has taken stubbornness to a new level. She has mastered the art of "guilting". However it is described, my Mom is the Master at achieving her goals! Often, it is much easier on all of us if we just give in to her. Over the years, my sister and I have learned to pick our battles. There are some things Mom wants that are relatively harmless. We give in on those. However, now that I have returned to Chicago, my sister and I are working together to steer Mom in the right direction. There is a fine line that we don't want to cross yet. When should Mom remain in control and when should we intervene?

Mom's primary strategy for getting her way is divide and conquer. She'll tell me one thing and tell Adrienne another. Or she won't say anything to me, but will mention something to A. Or vice versa. However, since I see her all the time, she is not really able to hide too much from me. I can observe her and what's happening to her. Over the course of the past year, I have been able to watch my Mother's strategy at work and have been able to look for ways to get past it. The best way to refute the divide and conquer strategy is to communicate. A and I talk a lot. I give her the missing pieces to the puzzle. This way, we can put together a win-win strategy for Mom's health.

This is a typical situation: Mom's arm has been bothering her every day for a week. She has a touch of arthritis. She will mention that her arm hurts. She will NOT do anything about it. She will not take a Tylenol. She will not use a heating pad. She will not ask for help. When she speaks with my sister on the phone, she won't mention anything about her arm. If my sister asks specifically, she might say something like "Oh, it's been bothering me a little. But it gets better when I keep it warm." So, when I see Adrienne, I have to tell her everything. I tell her that Mom has complained every day for a week. I tell her that she wakes up in the morning and is very, very stiff. I tell her that she goes to bed and has pain if she lays a certain way on her arm. This leads to insomnia and not getting the regenerative sleep that she needs. I tell her that Mom won't take a Tylenol before she goes to bed because she is afraid that it will interact with her medicine. This way, Adrienne has all the information and can guide us towards the best solution.

The best solution to this situation is that Adrienne gave me a cream for Mom to rub into her arm (Ortho-Nesic). Since A is a nurse, Mom took the advice and used the cream. She was amazed at how good her arm felt within moments of using the cream. This was an easy "win" for us. We were able to steer Mom in the right direction without much angst. However, the road ahead may be full of bumps as we confront the issues of declining eyesight, declining hearing, memory lapses, and forgetfulness. We will have to figure out when it's time to cross the line. Luckily, there is not any "line crossing" today.