Visiting the Relatives at the Cemetery

Mom and I went to the cemetery yesterday to "visit" my Dad and other relatives that are buried there. Since my Dad was a veteran, Mom always likes to ensure that Dad has some flowers and a flag on his grave marker prior to Memorial Day. I have never really seen the point of "visiting" someone's grave, but Mom wants to do this, so I take her when she wants to go. What's a couple of hours in the scheme of things, right?

At the best of times, visits to the cemetery revolve around "hunting" for the grave that you want to visit. Since we only visit a few times each year, we do not remember precisely where the grave is, but instead remember landmarks and look for the grave based on the landmarks.

My Mom knows where every relative’s grave is located in this cemetery. On our previous visit, she could tell me exactly which number lot and then point to whatever landmark anchored her memory. For instance, my Dad’s grave is located in Lot 63 and we remember where this is located because there is a gardener’s shed in the adjacent plot. Once we arrived at Lot 63, we look for a specific tree and a specific monument and my Dad’s grave is within the space between the two. Complicated, yes. But it has worked for Mom for many years. During our last visit, we located and visited the graves of all but 2 of our relatives buried there.

This year, the process was much more complicated and time consuming as Mom’s memory wasn’t quite what is was last time. I anticipated that we’d have some trouble finding graves this time, so I thought it would be a good idea to write down a more precise location of the graves so that I could easily locate them in the future.

I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed the game of “treasure hunting” Mom and I played for a couple of hours at Resurrection Cemetery yesterday! It was quite entertaining. I’m sure that any observers would have laughed until their stomach’s ached as we went to certain lots and Mom would give me clues: “Tom and Helen’s grave is right around that monument… if we find Tommy and Jeanne’s grave, it’s just over there (pointing) from them. I remember walking just a little ways up and to the left from their grave.” Great clues, right? You just have to laugh.

So, I got a good start on my suntan and even got a bit of exercise during our 2 hour visit. And I took really good notes so that I could find the graves myself as Mom’s memory/clues don’t make it easy to find what she’s looking for any longer. It’s just another thing to do to preserve the family history. ;-)

Even Mom Needs Some Space

Mom and I were having a late lunch today when she surprised me by saying, "I think I'm going to take a walk over to Gilmart." It's a gorgeous day today without a cloud in the crystal blue sky with temperatures in the 70's, so I wasn't worried about Mom exhausting herself in the heat and/or humidity. It might be a nice change of pace for her to take a walk, but I wanted to make sure that this wasn't a fishing expedition to see if I'd drive her. You know how that goes... the subtle hint.

I told Mom that I'd be happy to drive her to Gilmart if she wanted. I even mentioned that I had books to return to the library, so I could drop her off at Gilmart and go to the library (the library is across Archer Avenue from Gilmart). She said, "No, that's all right... I'll just walk."

Now I was getting suspicious. I told her that I could drop her off, go to the library and then come home and she could walk home if she wanted to stay at Gilmart for awhile. Again, she said, "No, that's all right... I think I want to walk."

I had my suspicions that Mom wanted to go play some lottery scratch tickets, so I asked one more time if she was sure that she didn't want a ride. When she said "No" yet again, I knew that I was right. Or maybe she wanted to go meet her pals there... she usually runs into several people she knows when we're at the store. Or maybe... like me... she just needed some space.

Boundaries: It's Not ALL About Mom

Many of us go through life with a focus on self. Decisions, choices, alternatives... they are evaluated based on the answer to "How does this affect me?" As life changes and we grow and expand our universe to include spouses and children, our focus also expands. Evaluations are based on "How does this affect us?" or "How does this affect Person A and also me?" When we add aging parents into our life, our universe is again expanded. However, evaluations are mainly based on the answer to "How does this affect THEM?" Granted, some decisions must include THEM and ME/US (like where an aging parent might live), but often the focus in on THEM.

I write this to remind you that it is NOT all about them. The temptation can be to make it all about THEM and to lose yourself in the process. This is not good for anyone, especially you. Early on, please learn to set boundaries. Because if you do not, there will be nothing but trouble.

Case in point: I have been doing a bit of tutoring/consulting for a Nurse that is pursuing an advanced degree and wanted a bit of assistance with a Statistics class that she is taking. Anyone that has lived through a Stats class knows the effort that is required to understand and embrace the concepts necessary to attain a passing grade. This nurse had an assignment and asked me about a specific portion of the assignment relating to an article on a study, it's hypotheses and it's conclusions/results. Mom was watching the finale of Dancing With The Stars, so I figured that it'd be a great time for me to read the article and get some work done. Wrong!

I am laughing as I remember how this evening went for me. I told Mom that I had to read the article and do some work. She left me alone for about 45 minutes before she started shouting from the other room. First, it was all about DWTS and who was dancing or getting eliminated. Then, it was about her... wanting a glass of water to take her pill, wanting the grapes from the refrigerator, wanting me to come join her to see who was going to win, wanting my company, I guess! You can already imagine how much reading I got done when I took the article into the living room and joined her (none!). Reminding her of the work I had to do certainly didn't work. What's a girl to do?

I could have gotten angry at her for not respecting me and what I had to do this evening. In the past, I would have gotten angry. Tonight, I reminded myself that I'd have peace in just a short time when she went to bed. And so I waited.

My point is that we must all figure out when it's time to take some time for ourselves. We must make time. Whether it's a specific time each day or week or just some randomly grabbed moments. Time for yourself and your projects is key to maintaining your sanity and sense of self. You cannot help others (specifically, aging parents) if you do not help yourself.

That Darned Arm!

There are many challenges we face as we age. However, there aren't many more daunting than coming to terms with your own body failing you. As we start to age, we may face ONE thing at a time that starts to fail; we may need reading glasses, we may get tired more quickly, our endurance starts to fade, our skin begins to sag. Luckily, we have time to adjust to each of these. But there comes a day of reckoning. One in which all of these individual failings catch up with us. This is aging.

It's tough to imagine this day of reckoning coming. It's even tougher to watch this day of reckoning occur and not be able to do a thing about it.

Mom's arm is getting worse. The arthritis in her arm is bad. Mom is now willing to take a Tylenol (or a generic substitute!) to lessen the pain. She is using heat to help her arm feel better. She is using that Ortho-Nesic cream to get some relief. Still, the arm is failing.

Mom is losing strength in that arm. She finds it hard to hold her purse with that hand. She can't move her arm around to buckle the seat belt into place. She is only wearing blouses that button in the front. And now this - she is having difficulty using that arm to pull things up. Like her socks. Like her pants. This is not good.

The best analogy I can think of is to compare the loss of strength and function of her arm to the loss of function you have when you break your arm. The arm won't bend in certain ways. You're in constant pain. The hand and arm are not functioning together to perform tasks. You just can't do what you used to do. The bad news is that unlike a broken bone which has the ability to heal, Mom's arm failure is more permanent. I don't think she's getting this function back. Bummer.

The Volume of the TV - Part 2

Mom's favorite television show is "Grey's Anatomy". She is a H.U.G.E. McDreamy fan! Each Thursday night, she ensures that dinner is finished and all the dishes are done early so that she can sit down and enjoy an hour of television "guilt free". It's really fun to see her so excited about something, no matter what it is.

Last night, we watched the two hour season finale of "Grey's Anatomy". It was marked "Viewer Discretion Advised", so I knew it was going to be interesting. Within the first few moments, we saw that the show was going to be filled with violence and suspense. Mom was on the edge of her seat as different characters had encounters with the gunman and escaped, got shot, and lived or died.

I could tell that Mom was really straining to hear what was being said. She kept asking me questions like "What was that?" or "What did he say?". Knowing that this is Mom's favorite show, I turned up the volume to just shy of loud. The questions stopped, but when I asked a question of Mom like "Can you believe that x just said that?", Mom gave me a puzzled look. So I turned up the volume. Now we were at loud.

The show was nearing it's climax and there were a couple of whispered or softer-voiced conversations. I asked Mom if she could hear. She said "Yes, but it's hard for me to catch everything when they are whispering". The moment of truth was upon me. This is Mom's favorite show. It is the season finale. There was only 20 or so minutes left. What would I do?

Well, in the scheme of things, it's only 20 minutes out of my lifetime. My heart could pound like I was in a surround sound movie theater for the next 20 minutes with no permanent damage, right? My headache would not reach migraine proportions in 20 minutes, would it? Of course I'd be fine.

So, I turned up the volume to REALLY loud. And enjoyed the rest of the show with Mom.

And this morning, I was glad that I had made the right decision. Mom couldn't stop talking about what happened on "Grey's Anatomy" last night. And she actually heard all that was said. ;-)

The Second Time Around

Mom had a regularly scheduled doctor's appointment yesterday for an INR. I refer to this as a coumadin check. As long as we get a reading between 2 and 3, we don't have to visit this doctor for another month. A reading lower than 2 or higher than 3, and we're back the following Monday. I cross my fingers every time we go for an INR. Luck was with us; Mom's reading was 2.3, so we don't have another appointment until June.

I asked Mom to speak with the doctor (Dr. K)about taking that Tylenol... oh, excuse me, that generic version of Tylenol...when her arm hurt. Her arm has REALLY been bothering her lately, so I want her to feel comfortable taking something for the pain. Again, luck was with us, as Dr. K looked at the box the W-brand of forbidden pills came in and said "Yes, you can take one of these for pain." Alleluia!!!!! I did not have to resort to deception and trickery in order to get Mom to take some pain killers. ;-)

Mom was up early (for her) at 8am since we had a 10am appointment at Rush. We ran a couple of errands after the appointment, then came home to find a message on our answering machine reminding us of a band concert (Marisa's final band concert) at 7pm that night. Mom really wanted to go, so we grabbed an early dinner and headed to Westchester and Divine Providence School since that was where the concert was. Got home just after 9pm and Mom decided to get into her pajamas and lay down for a moment. "A moment" turned into 45 minutes when she got up to tell me that she was really tired and was going to bed.

These are the times that trouble me. I took a good look at Mom and could see that she was plain old worn out. She really needed to go to bed at that time. I stayed up later than normal and kept getting up to ensure that she was still breathing. There must have been something to the look on Mom's face when she went to bed that gave me concern. I was truly worried. However, luck was once again on my side and I have nothing extraordinary to report. Sometimes, ordinary and usual if just fine and dandy.

Branding and Senior Citizens

Mom often has muscle pain. We've talked to her about taking a Tylenol before bedtime so that she'd sleep better and wake up feeling more refreshed. Mom was hesitant. With all the medication she takes, she wanted to make sure that taking a Tylenol did not interfere with anything, especially with the pill she takes at bedtime. When we visited her cardiologist about a month ago, we specifically asked the question "Is it ok for Mom to take a regular strength Tylenol at bedtime, even with the medication she takes? Will it interfere with any of her meds?" The cardiologist assured us that taking a Tylenol occasionally would not do any harm.

With that in mind, we have been searching for regular strength Tylenol. Our regular drug store (where Mom gets all her prescriptions filled) had pulled it off the shelves for some reason and hasn't had it in stock. I have checked on the stock status every time I'm at this particular drug store, but they still don't have it on the shelves. Apparently, most people are buying extra strength Tylenol and not regular strength Tylenol. Who knew?

I mentioned all of this to my sister and asked her to check her drug store the next time she stopped by there. My sister must have found some because when we got together for Mother's Day, she gave my Mom a bottle of it. I didn't give it another thought until yesterday. Mom handed me the opened package and said "You keep these in your room. I won't be taking these because there's a warning that says to "Ask a doctor or pharmacist before use if the user is taking the blood thinning drug warfarin"".

I looked at Mom quizzically and said "Yes. We asked Dr. T about it and he said it's ok for you to occasionally take a Tylenol. You can go ahead and take these".

Mom was adament; "These are not Tylenol. I can't take these."

I patiently explained that the drugstore brand of Acetaminophen was the same thing as Tylenol. The box even has the phrase "Compare to Tylenol Regular Strength Tablets active ingredient".

I tried to explain that this was the same thing as getting a generic prescription drug rather than the name brand drug. This is a concept that Mom is familiar with and I thought it might help. No dice. Mom is convinced that the drug store brand will kill her. (Yes, there is a warning on the box that states something to that effect regarding overdosing). So, it's Tylenol or nothing according to Mom.

Branding is going to be the death of me.

Wandering the Aisles

Mom and I checked out a grocery store in our neighborhood that recently opened. The new Shop-n-Save has a LARGE produce section, aisles for ethnic food (mainly Polish and Mexican style items), and uses about a dozen loss leaders to get you into their store. The loss leaders are so huge that you just have to come in and take a look! That's what happened to us; we got pulled in by the marketing.

Mom likes to push the cart when we're shopping. She needs a place for her purse as her arm muscles are weakening. She also uses the cart for balance and stability as her leg muscles grow weaker. Fine with me as it's less for me to worry about.

I already know that we're going to proceed slowly through the store; that's just how an 83 year old woman moves and I just keep pace with Mom and deal with it. However, other shoppers do not know that my Mother moves as slowly as molasses in January. They do not know that she cannot see or hear them approach her from behind while she is strolling slowly down the middle of the aisle. She does not realize that she is blocking the path for those unfortunate enough to be stuck behind her. Her diminishing senses keep her from realizing that there are people who want to get past her.

Sometimes I find it necessary to intervene. I can tell how impatient some people are and just want to yell at her to MOVE. So I try to guide her over to the side of the aisle to let those anxious folks pass. Mom remains oblivious. Even as I'm trying to steer her and the cart over, she just doesn't comprehend what I'm doing. It's at these times when I might say something to those anxious people. Something like "It's much easier on all of us if she just does her thing and we maneuver around her."

Some people are really nice about all of this. I get LOADS of comments like "I understand your situation completely!" or "I deal with that also!". Other times, I just get dirty looks. Some people just don't understand what it's like to age and slow down. It's not like Mom wants to do this. It's just the aging process.

My message? Let's all gain some tolerance. Dig deep for a little kindness. Someday, it just may be YOU that's wandering the aisles!

Socializing... and Boyfriends?

Mom loves to socialize. She has many planned activities that keep her busy. Some are weekly (like Bingo), others are bi-weekly (the Senior Citizens Club), some are monthly (the Rosary Sodality at our Church). These activities and meetings keep Mom busy and active and help to maintain friendships she has had for over 40 years, in some cases.

Additionally, Mom enjoys simple trips to the store (Gilmart) and treats these as chances to socialize. There hasn't been a trip to Gilmart in which Mom won't run into someone she knows. They always want to chat with Mom, too! They ask about lottery and her winnings lately or about the grandkids (Adrienne's kids... certainly *I* have not contributed on this front!). It's fun to see the men and women who know Mom and want to chat with her.

So recently, when Mom has returned from some such socialization and is telling me the story about it, she has mentioned some MAN who put his arm around her or gave her a hug or told her she was looking good, etc. The interesting part of this is that the SAME man doesn't appear in each of these stories. It's a DIFFERENT man in each of her tellings!

It certainly appears that my Mom still has the ability to generate the attention of male admirers! I know that Mom likes this attention. I wonder if she misses having a boyfriend? This might be something to pursue... a project for me to work on. I think it would be good for Mom to have the attention of a devoted male admirer, don't you?

Ready, Set, Go... Looking Like a Ski Jumper

Mom's muscles have really been hurting her lately. She has been making comments more regularly about her arm hurting. She's also been saying that her muscles have been weak at times.

I've observed Mom's arm weakness. That's why I am now helping her with buckling the seat belt when she rides in my vehicle. However, she's also been carrying her purse in a strange position and when I mention it, she says that her arm feels weak and she can't carry her purse with that arm. Now, we're not talking about a large or heavy purse, so I've got to wonder just how weak her arm is feeling.

I've also observed Mom's leg muscles weakening. Very often, when Mom tries to get up from a seated position, she must "rock" herself up to a standing position. To an observer, I'm sure it looks like Mom is a ski jumper, seated in the starting gate and getting ready to propel herself down the slope. From my perspective, I see one of those puffy/raised toilet seats and maybe a couple of inflatable cushions in our immediate future. Ready, set, go!!!!

I'm So Dizzy, My Head Is Spinning...

Mom is dizzy today. That awful, room is spinning, kind of dizzy. What a horrible feeling!

About 8am, I hear a voice faintly calling me, "M, are you up?" There are only a couple of things worse than hearing your 83 year old Mother calling for you! I had heard Mom up much earlier (around 6:30am) when she went to the bathroom. I thought that she got up to take her pill. Not the case.

I go into Mom's bedroom to find that she is trying to sit up in bed, but is holding her head. She asks me to go get her pills from the bathroom. She needs to take her pill but she doesn't want to get out of bed as she is dizzy. The room is spinning. I can tell that it's bad as I help her to sit up and watch her face. It takes several minutes for the room to right itself and stop spinning.

I ask if she was dizzy when she went to bed. She says that she wasn't, but that at 3:30am when she got up to go to the bathroom, she was REALLY dizzy. She had to stay in the bathroom for 10 minutes before she could make it back to bed. Side note: Did she call me for help then? No! UGH

When she got up to go to the bathroom at 6:30am, she was still pretty dizzy. Just wanted to go lay back down so didn't take her pill. The room spins when she tries to sit-up or when she lays back down. Takes a good few minutes for it to stop.

Mom had a problem with dizziness awhile back. She got a prescription for Meclazine that helped a great deal. She asks me to check her pill bag for that bottle of pills and bring it to her. The prescription dates back to 2006. Oops! Looks like it's time for another one.

I know that the dizziness is bad when Mom takes one of those pills. I hope that she will be fine in a bit. It can't be fun to have the room spinning, especially if it's not alcohol-induced spinning! ;-)